Illuminati Bavaria Motorcycle Cabal
presents -
The Caustic Mass of the Motorcycle
 
A Discordian Ritual Celebrating of the Mystical Union of Bike and Rider
 
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(The DEACON, bearing the BOOK OF THE MOTO (THE HONEST SHOP MANUAL OF
TRUTH), opens the door of the Temple, admits the Congregation, and takes
his/her stand in front of the Altar)
 
(There should be a doorkeeper to attend to the admission.)
 
(The DEACON advances and bows before the open shrine (Audrey's Beemer?
Bergfurer?) where the Graal is exalted.  S/He kisses the BOOK OF THE MOTO
(THE HONEST SHOP MANUAL OF TRUTH) three times, opens it, and places it
upon the super-altar.  S/He turns and faces the Congregation.)
 
DEACON: Do it until thou wilt on a HOG without flaw. 
        I proclaim the Law of Two Wheels Good, Four Wheels Bad
        in the name of M-O-T-O.
 
CONGREGATION:   Cruise is the law, cruise in the wind!
 
(Facing the Congregation, the DEACON gives the step and sign of a Man and
a Brother [kick start and peace sign].)
 
(All imitate him.)
 
DEACON & CONGREGATION:
 
        I believe in one secret and ineffable MOTORCYCLE;
        the first internal Combustion Engine,
        built in Germany in 1885,
        Mystery of Mystery,  
        in It's name BABALON,  
 
        And I believe in one Goddess, 
        ERIS,  Goddess of Discord,
        who started the Trojan war,  
        with a golden apple.
        Mystery of Mystery,  
        in Her name CHAOS.
 
        And I believe in the Eye in the Triangle,  
        Mystery of Mystery,  
        in His name BAPHOMET.
 
        And I believe in the biker's creed of Freedom, Independence,
        Self-Determination,
        and Brotherhood on the Road, 
        the Word of whose Law is BALANCE.
 
        And I believe in Nothing, Everything is Sacred!
        I believe in Everything, Nothing is Sacred!
 
        And, forasmuch as gas and oil are transmuted in our engines daily 
        into a force for propulsion, 
        I believe in the Miracle of the Mass.
 
        And I confess It Is An Ill Wind That Blows No Minds!
 
        VROOM.  VROOM.  VROOM.
 
(Music is now played.) (Steppenwolf - Born to Be Wild?) (Sound of a loud
Motorcycle starting up.) (The PRIESTESS enters from the left riding a
Motorcycle, parks in front of the Altar.) (Two Altar Bros in Leather
follow behind, bearing the Piston-Censor and the Container of Holy Oil.)
(The Altar Bros stand on either side of the Bike.) (The PRIESTESS, wearing
leathers, lounges on the seat of the bike, posing.) (The PRIESTESS gives
the Hailing Sign of a Brother [peace sign])
 
PRIESTESS:      Let's Go For a RIDE!
 
(All give the Hailing sign of a Brother [peace sign], the DEACON leading.)
 
(The PRIEST staggers in and falls down prostrating himself in front of the
bike.)
 
(The PRIESTESS traces three crosses ( X ) in the air over the PRIEST with
a large wrench as she recites:)
 
PRIESTESS:      In the name of the Wrench of Maintenance 
        I say unto thee, Arise, Sober Up,
        That thou mayst Show the Light unto the Brethren.
 
(The PRIEST then kneels, and worships the Bike and the PRIESTESS with both
hands.) (Penitential music.) (Cramps - Maneater?)
 
PRIEST: I am a Poseur among Righteous Bikers.
 
(The PRIEST stands and takes the Wrench of Maintenance from the PRIESTESS.)
 
PRIEST: How should I be worthy to Show the Light to the Brethren?
 
(The Altar Bro bearing the Container of Holy Oil hands it to the PRIESTESS
and she anoints the PRIEST'S forehead.)
 
PRIESTESS: Be the Priest a smooth mover and ever handy with his wrench, O
thou Priest of Two-Wheels! 
 
(The PRIESTESS hands the Holy Oil back to the Altar Bro.) (The Altar Bro
bearing the Piston-Censor adds a pinch of special Illuminati incense to
the censor, hands it to the PRIESTESS who then waves it around the
PRIEST.)
 
PRIESTESS: Be the Priest ever Vigilant and Alert, O thou Priest of the
        Road! 
 
(The PRIESTESS hands the censer back to the Altar Bro.) (The DEACON takes
the Consecrated Set of Colors from the High Altar and hands it to the
PRIESTESS.) (She robes the PRIEST in his the Set of Colors.)
 
PRIESTESS: Be the Priest a Brother and a Righteous Biker, O thou Priest of
        the Eye in the Triangle! 
 
(The DEACON takes the Helmet and Sunglasses from the Altar, hands it to
the PRIESTESS, who then places them upon the PRIESTUS head.)
 
PRIESTESS: Be the Priest an Independent, Free Thinking Soul, O thou Priest
        of the Light! 
 
(The PRIEST kneels and worships the PRIESTESS and the Bike.)
 
 
THE SAINTS
 
DEACON: Insofar as our trip down the temporal highway 
        is guided by the tracks left by those Illuminati of antiquity, 
        let us now invoke the Saints of of the Mass.
        We call upon thee:
 
        Adam Weishaupt  ( X )
 
CONGREGATION:   RIDE WITH US!
 
DEACON: Hasan-i Sabbah  ( X )
 
CONGREGATION:   RIDE WITH US!
 
DEACON: Dr. Albert Hoffman      ( X )
 
CONGREGATION:   RIDE WITH US!
 
DEACON: Sir Aleister Crowley    ( X )
 
CONGREGATION:   RIDE WITH US!
 
DEACON: Malaclypse the Younger, ( X )
        Omar Khayyam Ravenhurst,        ( X )
        Robert Anton Wilson,    ( X )
        Emperor Joshua Norton,  ( X )
        Bill the Cat,   ( X )
        and other Holy Prophets of Discordianism and Keepers of the Sacred
        Chao! 
 
CONGREGATION:   RIDE WITH US!
 
DEACON: William S. Burroughs,   ( X )
        Robert Pirsig,  ( X )
        Dr. Timothy Leary,      ( X )
        James Joyce,    ( X )
        Herman Hesse,   ( X )
        and many a holy bard who showed us that Language is a Virus from
        Outer Space and that the Map is not the Territory. 
 
CONGREGATION:   RIDE WITH US!
 
DEACON: Ken Kesey,      ( X )
        Jerry Garcia,   ( X )
        and many a (un)holy Prankster, Trickster, and Coyote!
 
CONGREGATION:   RIDE WITH US!
 
DEACON: Mother Miles,   ( X )
        Sonny Barger,   ( X )
        Johnny and Chino,       ( X )
        and many a holy Angel in Black Leather that bore the Cup and Grail
        against the tyranny of Authority! 
 
DEACON: Janis Joplin,   ( X )
        Ruby the Dyke,  ( X )
        Anita Hoffman,  ( X )
        Alice B. Toklas,        ( X )
        and many other Howling Hellcats, Humping a Hot Hog, on a Roaring
        Rampage of Rebellion! 
 
CONGREGATION:   RIDE WITH US!
 
DEACON: And all the rest of the addle-pated, greasy-haired, beer-bellied,
booze-chuggin, dope-smokin, shit-kickin, nose-pickin, ass-grabbin,
crotch-sniffin, cocksuckin, clitlickin, muggafuggin, low-life dirtbags of
Two-Wheeled Thunder, may their pungent presence suffuse us with the
strength to sustain us in the protracted debauchery of our worship. 
 
CONGREGATION:   RIDE WITH US!
 
 
THE COMMUNION
 
(The PRIESTESS holds the Bag of Mystery Hosts in her right hand and the
Quart of Beer in her left hand with raised arms.)
 
PRIESTESS:      There is no law beyond Two Wheels Good, Four Wheels Bad.
 
(The PRIEST stands up and raises the Wrench of Maintenance.)
 
PRIEST: IO IO IO, M-O-T-O, IO PAN PANHEAD, IO SHOVELHEAD, IO BEVELHEAD, IO
        KNUCKLEHEAD, IO AIRHEAD; 
 
        AGUSTAS KYRIE,  GUZZI KYRIE,  VINCENS KYRIE;  NORTON KYRIE
 
        KAIRE TROMPE, KAIRE SUZUKE, KAIRE HONDOR, KAIRE KAWASAKI, KAIRE
        INDIO; 
 
        EVO  EVO  EVO!
 
(Arrayed on the Altar are several quarts of beer, the cheaper the better,
and a crumpled paper bag of Mystery Sacrament, which can be candies,
crackers, gummi worms, whatever. 
 
(The Priest takes the Wrench of Maintenance and blesses the beer and bag.)
 
PRIEST: By the Power of the Rod, let this batch of Milwaukee's 
        cheapest Swill be the Motor Oil of Perpetual Motion. 
 
        By the Power of the Rod, 
        let this bag of Mystery Sacrament 
        be the Substance of Indefatiguable Alloy.
 
(The PRIESTESS takes a Sacrament from the bag and pops it into the
PRIEST'S mouth)
 
PRIEST: Chow down!
 
(The PRIESTESS pours a paper cup of beer and hands it to the PRIEST.)
 
PRIEST: Bottoms up!
 
(The PRIEST faces the congregation and grabs his crotch.)
 
I'm all revved up and ready to ride!
 
CONGREGATION:   Fuckin aye!
 
(The DEACON grabs each member of the Congregation who wishes to partake by
the collar and hustles him or her to the altar, where they repeat the
Priest's actions and words.  After each member takes communion and
addresses the Congregation, they respond with "Fuckin aye!")
 
 
THE BENEDICTION
 
(After the congregation has taken communion, the PRIEST traces crosses (X)
over the Congregation with the Wrench of Maintenance as he recites:)
 
PRIEST: May your Bike always start on the First Kick,
        May you enjoy the wind in your hair and bugs in your teeth to a
        ripe old age,
        May the highway always be wide open in front of you as you ride off
        into the sunset.
 
(The PRIEST jumps on the bike with the Priestess, and rides off.)
(The DEACON and Altar Bros follow.)
(Music)