** Ceremonial Magick Made EZ **
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        000.  Let us not forget that the Great work is for naught unless 
we remember to begin counting from Ain Soph Aur, rather than "1", as is 
the fashion of the unenlightened.
        00.  The Knowledge and Coversation of the Holy Guardian Angel is 
not so great a feat, once you learn his phone number.  Our chief obstacle 
then, is obstinate answering services, but that is not the purpose of 
this document.
        0.  Instead, we shall deal with the aspirant who has found high 
magick to be just too damned complicated, and seeks a path to 
enlightenment which requires little or no effort beyond buying a really 
cool robe.  Thus, we present a nice little ritual that even the laziest 
magus can be performing in no time:  the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the 
Line Segment, not to be confused with any other Lesser Banishing Rituals 
which might be floating about.
1.      Facing the east, touch the bridge of nose, intoning the holy word 
2.      Touch pelvic region, vibrating the word TESTICLES.
3.      Touch right side of chest, in region of shirt pocket, intoning WALLET.
4.      Touch left side of chest, intoning WATCH.
5.      Thrusting both arms enthusiastically into the air, proclaim 
loudly "And that's the fact, Jack!" (you will know you have performed 
this step correctly when the neighbors bang on the ceiling in annoyed 
rebellion against your incanting.)
6.      Using the appropriate magickal weapon, trace a glowing blue line 
segment in the east, vibrating the mystic name FEE.
7.      Turn to the south, tracing a similar line segment, vibrating the 
mystic name FI.
8.      Turn to the west, vibrating the mystic name FO.
9.      Turn to the north, vibrating the mystic name FUM.
10.     Facing east, invoke the guardians of the watchtowers: 
Before me GROUCHO
Behind me HARPO
At my left hand CHICO
At my right hand ZEPPO
For about me flames the Line Segments
And above me shines the four-sided Rectangle!
11.     Repeat 1-5, above.
MEANING:  The first four steps, known as the Antiballistic Qros, are a 
technique whereby the aspirant centers himself within the four elements.  
Upon pronouncing the word SPECTACLES, the aspirant should visualize a 
pair of glasses resting upon his face; the mystic spectacles of truth, 
belonging to the element of air.  It further must be recognized that the 
word SPECTACLES ennumerates to 657, which is the number of one of the 
Angels of the 3rd of December (Scorpio).  The limitless profundities in 
this correspondence should busy the aspirant for the better part of a 
In any case, the other three points of the Antiballistic Qros refer to 
the other three elements:  the TESTICLES correspond to the vigourous 
fertility drive linked to fire, the WALLET corresponds to the Tarot suit 
of Coins and the element of earth, and the WATCH, corresponding to the 
element of water, symbolizes the fluid nature of time.
The mystic names FEE, FI, FO, and FUM are next to be intoned, while 
tracing the four line segments in the elemental quarters.  A note about 
the tracing:  it is important that the line segment be drawn from the top 
down when performing this ritual as a means of banishing; if one starts 
at the bottom of the figure and traces upward, that is an invoking line 
segment, which is another thing alltogether.  Also, one should never draw 
the line segment sideways, for this is a symbol of great evil.  Parents, 
keep in mind that if your teenager demonstrates an affinity for 
horizontal lines, he or she is undoubtedly dabbling in the black arts.
The names used in the invocation in step ten may be changed by any 
ultra-patriotic Americans who find the whole thing a bit, er, Marxist.  
It is not uncommon to invoke instead the holy names JOHN, PAUL, GEORGE, 
and RINGO, although some find this practice to reek of another branch of 
communism (your author shall take this oppurtunity to vacate the premises 
before that last pun sinks in.)