THE INITIATION RITUAL INTO THE MYSTERY CULT OF BILL THE CAT

by Lady Hairball, Co-Founder

*CIRCLE SETUP*

Bill the Cat altar in the center of the circle or near fire pit. At the west place a partially full bottle or can of beer (the worst you can find, enough to anoint your initiates). At the north place an ashtray filled with sand. Near the altar place a spittoon (optional).

*ALTAR SETUP*

Bill-the-Cat icon, statue or image

Cigarettes and lighter

Lit candles

Unopened bottle/can of beer

Bottle of bubble solution with wand

Brazier with charcoal

Catnip incense

Plate of Goldfish Crackers in cat food bowl

Gather coveners together and teach them these songs:

"We are Siame-ese if you ple-ease,
We are Siamese if you don't please!
We are former residents of Siam,
There is not a finer cat than I am!"

The "Meow-meow" song from the cat-food tv commercial

And the chant:

"ACK, ACK,ACK, PLBB, PLBB, PLBB"

Repeat as a group until you get tired of it.

Put a pinch of incense on the charcoal.

*CALL QUARTERS*

HPS: Take cigarettes and lighter from altar and walk to the SOUTH. Light cigarette, wave cigarette at the sound, and intone:
"HI!"

Cross from SOUTH to EAST. Take deep puff from cigarette and blow smoke out ostentatiously. Wave cigarette at EAST and intone:
"HI!"

Cross from EAST to NORTH and stub out cigarette in ashtray. Wave cigarette at west and intone:
"HI!"

Cross from NORTH to WEST . Drop cigarette into partial beer. Wave cigarette at north and intone:
"HI!"

*INVOKE BILL THE CAT*

Sing the sacred Songs.

Chant the Sacred Chant.

Walk to the center of the circle, raise arms, and call:

"Here kitty, kitty, kitty!"

Repeat as needed.

*STATEMENT OF PURPOSE*

HP/S: "We are here to night to initiate new friends into the worship of Bill the Cat. Let the good times roll! Petitioners, step forward." Wait for them to do so.

HP/S: "Is it your will to join the Cult of Bill the Cat?" Petitioners assent--"Yeah, sure, why not?, etc.

*OATH TAKING*

HP/S: "Repeat after me:" "I, (state your name), do hereby swear to honor the Discordian Deity, Bill the Cat, Lord of Humor and Disgusting Noises. I promise to go for theCheap Jokes, indulge in Excessive Behavior and always maintain my sense of the Ridiculous. I swear never to take my religion so seriously that I forget to laugh, and in token thereof do I give forth of my bodily fluids." Spit into fire or spittoon.

*ANOINT AND CENSE INITIATES*

HP/S or ack-olytes takes bubble solution from altar and anoints forehead of each initiate with the cough of "Ack." Replace bubble solution on altar.

*CHARGE OF BILL THE CAT*

HP/S: "Hear now the charge of Bill the Cat!

Whenever you have needs, once in a while and better it be when your mouth is full,then shall you spew forth in some public house or private place or anywhere that persons may be gathered, and adore me, Bill the Cat, Prince of all Vulgarity. You who would fain indulge in lewd or disgusting acts but have not yet reached true depravity, these will I teach True Excess and the Art of Making Rude Bodily Noises.

For I am come to tell you

If it lookith gross and/or feelith good

If others need to turn away in embarrassment or disgust

If it causeth others to burst forth in uncontrolled laughter

And if none be truly harmed

Then have you stumbled into true Oneness with the Free Spirit of Bill

And as a sign that you are truly free, you should be naked in your rites

For then shall there shall be no fumbling with clothing

In your drunken quest for the Naughty Bits

And spread humor, good will and anything else that needs spreading!

All in my name, crying:

ACK! ACK! ACK! PLBB! PLBB! PLBB! HAIL BILL!"

*LIBATIONS AND TOASTING*

HP/S burns a pinch of incense and opens beer. Takes a swig of beer and spits into the fire (or altar or spittoon). Passes beer to the initiate/covener on the left who repeats the process. After everyone has toasted Bill, beer is poured over his head and the bottle or can is replaced on the altar.

Pass the plate of goldfish crackers.

*INNER MYSTERY*

HP/S: "Hear now the inner mystery of Bill the Cat as told to us by Mary, co-founding High Priestess of Bill the Cat:

Why do you wrap gerbils in duct tape?

"So they don't explode when you fuck them!"

*CONCLUSION*

HP/S: "Initiates, you are now fully empowered priests and priestesses of Bill the Cat, entitled to set up your own shrines and to initiate others. Go forth and spread the word (and anything else that needs spreading). Bill the Cat: He's Hot, He's Hip and He's Hairy. Hail Bill!"

All:
"ACK! ACK! ACK! PLBB! PLBB! PLBB!"

Continue as desired

*CLOSING*

HP/S:
"Thanks, Bill. Y'all come on back now, hear?"

HP/S walks to the West and waves, intoning:
"Bye-bye!"
Repeats to North, then , then East, then South

HP/S:
"Th-th-that's all, Folks! It's Miller time!"